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[31 May 2005|07:07pm] |
AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHh
I was doing so FUCKING good. I didn't eat for three days then I didn't eat for two days. Then I ate sort of on the weekend. THEN i ate a whole fucking lot on monday, then I didn't eat for 24 hours then I just ate a whole nother fucking lot. Puke. no, i didn't puke because I'm too wussy to, though I've fucking tried. In the shower. I feel so OUT OF CONTROL!!!!!!!!!!!!1 AAAAAAAAAAaHHHHHHHHH. I was 113!!! That's my best. I keep telling myself that I'll do it the next day, I'll do it tomorrow, but then It comes, I'm doing fine, then I eat, and I eat so much. I can't run until Friday, so I'll plan on that. Half the time I just want to eat normally, eat breakfast, eat lunch, eat a normal sized dinner, instead of fucking binging. This is so unhealthy. I was just in the right mentality last time. Maybe if I can just get one full day it (not hours, but sunrise to sunset, plus) then I'll have the encouragement to keep going. I know I'm not Fat fat, but I feel gross, and wide. Solid. I want to scream and cry, but I have no one to talk to, even about any thing. I'm sort of cutting myself off. I don't want to deal with anything. I don't want to wear clothes that make me look icky. I do want to wear a sweatshirt and curl up in the hammock after an hour long run, and then not eat for two days. Oh my god. I need to sort stuff out. look at me I'm swearing, I hate swearing. and now I'm apologizing. Sorry. Shit, Why did I just eat and do that? I was so good. I even had an excuse If I wanted it because I had been elsewhere. . . . . . .I swear to all the gods that anyone ever believed in that tomorrow, I won't screw up. I can't I want 110 and then beyond. I want to vanish into nothing. I want to run through a grassy green sunny meadow in barefeet and not feel anything. Weightless. Shit. I can fucking do it.
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[12 May 2005|11:37pm] |
God. This is taking such an emotional toll on me. Crew is being a bitch. I have zero strength for it. The last two days I've eaten nothing but dinner. Dinner hasn't been that small, but that's been it except tea and gum. My metabolism is probably slowing way the hell down.
I really want to fast for the next three days. I definately have excuses since I'm going out the next two nights. I can eat again on Sunday night. (fam dinner) The b-day party I'm going to will be a bit rough, but I'll just say I ate before I came.
I figure the trick is, if I'm two different places on the same evening, I can just say I ate/will eat at the other place.
I don't want to/I want to so bad. It just sucks when I think I'm doing great and the scale says otherwise.
Now I just have to finish my fucking homework and take a fucking shower and shave my fucking legs.
Why can't I just go live in the woods with a trustworthy and loving man, where I can grow my own food and work the days away, never having to think about being fat again?
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[09 May 2005|07:33pm] |
Ugh. Just ate a burrito. It was pretty small with not much in it. I had to though; fam dinner.
I had my longest fast ever. Almost 36 hours. I was getting pretty shaky.
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[08 May 2005|12:22pm] |
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Fasting today. Family dinners present a big problem.
Crap.
Oh well, so far I feel good and I'm going out so I won't eat. gum, gum, gum.
I just have to stay focused. I know what I want.
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[07 May 2005|10:59am] |
oh my gosh! My old journal was getting too screwed up, so i started this one. hopefully you'll be able to find me! I might not want to find you! Kidding! I probably love you!
So anyways. New peeps: I'm taluluh (pronounced tuh loo luh)
I'm seventeen.
I used to be smarter than I am now.
I used to read so much. Maybe that's why.
Looking forward to summer, but then again, who isn't?
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taluluh's journal